The Head by L.P. Hovercraft

Forced to make last minute adjustments

In a disused shed in the Industrial Estate on the bypass, two figures are examining an object on a dimly lit bench.

Where’s the Head ?

The what ?

The head, The HEAD !

Er… the round thing on the top ?

YES ! the round thing on the top, the HEAD, where is it ?

Er… It’s… out the back.

Out the back ! what is it doing OUT THE BACK ?

Um…Er…Why… is it important ?

IMPORTANT ! of course it is important ! it is the most important part !
How many times do I have to tell you ?
that’s where the brain …!
I’ve told you umpteen times !
AND ! it’s on page ONE of the manual — what is wrong with you ?
…WHY did you leave it, OUT THE BACK !

Er…Um..I...It’s…It’s the round things.

The – Round - Things ? The Eyes ?

Yes, they… Swivel !

Swivel ? — The Eyes…That, is how they perceive the environ…

And and……it’s… it’s…the hole in the front —at the bottom of the front, it… it moves.

Oh, for fucks sake… !  the Mouth, the Mouth !  that is how they communicate — I know its repulsi… But you should be used to all this by now !

…And the…SOUNDS !

THAT — will be screaming — when you Remove THE HEAD !

……How long has it been there ?

What ? Where ?

The HEAD ! How long has it been, OUT THE BACK ?

Oh, Er…Not long.

How long ?

Um…about Two days.

TWO DAYS ! TWO DAYS !  two hours is too long, it has to be re-attached immediately ! or the sample is wasted !

Don’t shout ! you always shout,  Stop shouting at me it’s not fair I’m doing my best.

Oh Jesus ! - I’ve had enough of this. After I make my next report, you’ll be getting a transfer back to H.Q !

…What ? …Report ? …Transfer… ME !

Oh Yeah ! Transfer is it ? I’M not getting transferred, Oh No, you’ll be the one transferred when I make MY REPORT !

Your report ?

Yeah,  I’ve seen you with the samples, rubbing yourself all over them, specially …the…The  ones with the eggs !

With THE EGGS, you mean The females ?

Yes, the Feem-ale-z ! I’ve been watching you, yuck ! How they going to like that at back at H.Q ?

Er… well er… Oh, yes I… well, no need to be hasty I...I… Ok, I apologize, I, I won’t shout, any more…er… I’m sorry…just, please remember about the heads, they are very important for the project.

…Always shouting at me, an bossing me about – do this, do that,
 ‘Put The Head Back On’, I do all the work, fetching samples an.. you wait till I…

Alright ! Alright, I’m sorry, in future I won’t shout, I’m sorry, it’s been a long assignment, please, just get another sample, and … And take the rest of the week off.

Well, alright — be polite.

Yes, yes I will, you are doing well, we, we will share the work from now on.

Well, —  that’s better — always moaning and shouting at me, snot fair …

Yes I’m sorry, in future I’ll be more polite…but will you please, just get another sample please ?

Well…Ok, Another sample.

Yes, please, and thank you — and this time — DON’T FORGET THE HEAD !