Rex The Runt
A script by Grant White for Rex, cult plasticine Animation by Richard Starzak & Aardman
Total Eclipse of Bob
Our digital doggy chums are gathered round their PC looking at a lunar website
cut to screen -diagrams of planetary motion etc.
Rex-
It says here ‘the Moon is 300 hundred times smaller than the Sun, but its 300 times nearer, so it looks the same size’
Wendy -
( sarcastically ) - Oh, fascinating, can we look at something interesting now?
Bob
- Coo! lets see
Bob leans forward blotting out the light
Rex + Wendy
- Oy! get out of the light.
Bob
I was only looking
Rex
Well you’ll have to look from somewhere else, your causing an eclipse of the monitor on account of your immense mass and being 300 times bigger than the light bulb
points to standard lamp in the corner
Vince
- snigger
Wendy
Yeah you're so massive you are almost a black hole !
Bob
I’m not!… I’m just big boned.
Bob goes of to sulk in the corner
Rex
- [cosmically mussing] Ah yes astronomy, init marvellous all those planets an nebulas an that floating about?
…….I wonder what’s on the darkside of the moon?
Wendy
- boring 70’s prog rock I expect…..I wonder what’s on the dark side of Bob?
Meanwhile Vince has been making a rocket out of a fairy liquid bottle
Vince
- Rocket!
Bob
- [reading a horoscope] I haven’t got a darkside, I have a sunny and cheerful disposition !
Rex
- Hey look vince has made a rocket !
Wendy
sarcastically - Oh how clever !
Rex
-Hey lets launch Vince to the dark side of Bob!
It would be one small step for a dog but one giant leap for dogkind.
They stuff Vince into the toy rocket and catapult him at bob, he lands on the dark side of Bob ...a strange and forbidding place completely devoid of life…..
Vince cautiously steps out of the loony landing vehicle and peruses the strange inhospitable landscape before him, without a care for his own safety, thinking only of the advancement of dogkind he steps forth…
Sandwich
- Oy! Watch were your going !
Half eaten pork pie
- Yeah! Who do you think your steeping on?
Zoom out Vince is surrounded by the leftovers of thousands of Bobs dinners -
bits of pizza, curry, tins of half eaten doggie Chunks etc.
Vince
- Leftovers!
Pie
- Oh yes? - its like that is it ? he comes here without an invite, without so much as a by your leave and lets of with insults !
Mouldy Scone
- Yes! Come on chaps lets give the cad a jolly good drubbing.
Leftover dinners
( In unison ) - What?
Mouldy Scone
- Er, kick the crap out of him !
Leftover dinners
- Oh! good idea.
cut to Rex’s house
Wendy is measuring Rex and printing out knitting patterns.
Bob is exercising in the corner
Vince crash lands in the kitchen and runs fom the wreckage of the rocket pursued by the leftover dinners.
Vince
Cobblers !
Rex
- aaargh! Half eaten snacks are taking over the house.
Wendy
- that’s typical! I have to clean up while you just lie around under ¾ of a tonne of old food, I only hoovered that carpet last month.
the room starts to fill up with old food
Rex
- [from under a pile of crisps] I’ll never be cruel to a Hula Hoop again,
…Help! stop the snacks!
Wendy
- Its all your fault if we were meant to go fiddling around with astrominy
all the planets would have been put a lot nearer , just down the road…by the library… or the other side of the park or…
Rex
- Stop talking and start eating, …its the only way!
They try to eat the leftovers before the house fills up but more and more dinners are poring into the room, Rex and Wendy start to drown in leftovers.
Rex/Wendy
- Help! Bob!
Bob
- Yes? Did some one call?
Rex
- Help mmmmhhff
Bob
- Oh yes! that’s right!… don’t block out the light Bob, they say,…
go and stand in the corner Bob, they say…
be a bit more sylph like Bob, they say…
but as soon as they are over run by psychopathic scraps of food from a parallel dimension , they sing a different tune!
Wendy
- Gggllrgh!
Bob
- Oh! …that looks like a bit of pizza, mmm!
…mmm dogy chunks…mmm marmalade, I like marmalade!
Bob soon polishes of all the leftovers and everything is back to normal
except that Bob is now 3 times the size he was before.
…Rex Wendy and Vince are having a surf,
Bob
- leaning over to see what their looking at
What you looking at?
Bob casts an enormous shadow, everything goes black except for Wendy’s Rex’s Bob’s eyes.
Rex
- Its all gone dark!
Vince eyes appear out of the gloom
Vince
- Eclipse!
The end
By Grant white © Richard Starzak
You’re so massive